Hello · World.

my future has officially moved from an almost definite plan to a blinking, half non-existant, shadow of what it was as of right now.
im. so. confused.

for the longest time i've been stuck on being a nurse practitioner or a physician assistant. problem is, i want to work with kids. cancer kids. the terminally ill children who, sometimes, lose the fight for their life. im starting to think that the meaningful job that i really want to do, is too heart-breaking for me. I cant be neutral. i can't emotionally seperate myself from a child with cancer. its not gonna happen.
sooo
i might still do it, but i dont know. i feel almost certain that things like that would drive me either depression or possibly even a slightly decreasing faith in God's mercy. That sounds bad but i mean, think about it. theyre kids. they shouldnt be sick and dying.

i could go into engineering. industrial or mechanical to be specific. something logical with numbers and math and physics and all those beautiful concrete concepts.

i could go into business. this is prolly gonna sound really nerdy but i always thought it would be cool to have like a catering business for like weddings or to own like a cake shop. But a nice one, like Elite Treats, that makes wedding cakes and important type stuff. it sounds weird i guess when you think about it but i think it would be a really fun job i guess. idk.

but again i think i like nursing. it makes the most difference in a preson's life.

when i figure out the major, then comes the college.

UH called about their honors program this morning.
Mary-Hardin Baylor has offered a reply to an app within 72 hours of when i send it in.
West Point wants me to come to a meeting. (this college is def the lowest of the low on this list but still an option.
Lamar with its exceptional nursing and solid engineering program.
Then theres always A&M. That amazing campus that i love being in, the goofy traditions that i would never refuse to do, and the cousins that would be with me along the way.

It doesnt really seem possible to make a choice.
sometimes i wish someone would just tell me to do something and make me do it. it would either make my decision for me, or it would help me know what i really want and what i really dont.